5/9/06 11:05 pm

There is a kind of emptiness in me tonight. Maybe the day drained me , so I am that useless , easily exhausted . I am barely there yet . Not even at the start point perhaps. Somebody sang that one has to live before one dies . I kept thinking what I should do with mine . I am too much a dreamer and nobody pays for a dreamer. Even when its free, they probably have 2nd thoughts. Nobody seems to trust me. Maybe its just me, I wasnt convincing enough for sure. Maybe I wouldnt like me when I meet me. I got to be crazy to like me. There just isnt enough crazy people out there huh. And I used to think that as time goes by, my circle of friends get bigger, so I thought. Now I know its otherwise, I am too much an anti social idiot. I am arrogant and I am still in my castle in the air. But, I am hungry and confused. Always angry, always lost. A part of me wants this what not, the other side of me contradicts. Looking back at what I had done, I thought what the hell am I doing. Where do I really go from here. I think alot. Alot of shit. I worry. I imagine. And I dream, on and on. About the most unexpected things and the events that will never ever happen. I think so much, I get a headache. I dream so much, I never want to get out of bed. I could just shut my eyes and be in the world that I will never be. I could fly. All these aggravate the emptiness but at least these moments are utopian. Always am high on fantasies. The whole idea of imagination. Bad thoughts. Bad wishes. Haha. I can just go on walking and walking, and I refuse to stop. I may be walking in circles. Waiting.

Can I really play a game without rules, without order. It doesnt always rain on me, at least not entirely. Still .. . I mean why are we always so concerned of what any goddamnmotherfucker has to say, to do or anything. Why is this fucking dough so essential. Fuck dough-nuts. Screw advertising. Screw 5SGD 1cup of diluted mocha caffe. Screw that crush in my head that's driving me crazy. Its so true, to cure an addiction/obssession, all you need to do is find a new distraction.