Tue Oct 27 22:37

Wandering around with you.

Wed Oct 21 22:16

Bus no.345 towards Peckham/4ish/21.10.09

School Boy A (by the window)
9/10? Maybe more. English. Fair. Multiple red spots on face. Small eyes. Unbuttoned maroon blazer with tie. Sprite soda bottle in inner pocket of blazer. Lock Lock container with crisps. Crumbs on black pants. Short hair. Backpack and nylon drawstring bag. Getting off a stop after Queenstown Road and walking back.

School Boy B (moved from seat on the right to be next to boy A)
8/9? Younger than boy A. Small. Tanned. Short curly black hair. Big eyes. Long lashes. Thin lips, lil teeth. Baby face. Slightly oversized maroon blazer, buttoned over grey woolen vest with tie. Black gloves. High cut black shoes with probably only 2 holes laced. Backpack thrown on floor. Getting off on Queenstown Road, I think.

Thu Oct 15 22:52

...feel the pavement right under your feet...what is love without lost.

N+7: The grandad of the volley as described. The incomprehensible sounds to stay. Nightlight after nightlight, The Southerners played. What's legation to filament that's right. Play it all over this May; the explosives, the quicksands, the plane.You're lying in the zookeeper's dike, in the midriff not without a hi-fi. Dim the light-years, you're my godson dancing greyish slacker. I never thrill it will be omen taking all her pierrots from the frenzy; singing in dispensation, the cowards up her faction. The musings for a shout! Do not think I missed the cruet. All the dressmakers we cuckoo out loud. All the trash legation no coach-and-fours but clues. Hylas trapped in destruction and suspense in all thistles terrible. Soviet London forever 'til he gets ripped apart for a dragonfly yes-men to start. The inn blotted the rumble, she dreamt only of the stunner. Not team in a publishing nor craft in the tumble burnt Babylon's lump. The caryatid had your deaf-aid; not for many deadbeats, she wore a cruise when you're gone. Let me tell you, he wouldn't be here long. Vanished! She was gone along with those eye-openers that sang no sorbets. All the principal foliage in cruel wishbone's wayside, Zoe couldn't wait couldn't stay. But you never told me I was late. You never wanted the last screening of blasts that ran in sunbather's walk-up. You never stayed. Found something but not for tonight. The eighties without passions. The sloppy rides in gild flippers; they are memories—sliced. Zoe in oversized shootings; red and sly. Bobby—gray and given away. All the thistles I couldn't say. All the timpanist we gambled away. No lug in signature. Noise beside.This timpanist, Zoe, this timpanist! No more childhood cooked in midpoints nor scrambled egomaniacs like clearway.

Mon Oct 12 20:40

"What's up with my heart when it skips a beat," crawl under the quilt, listen to what they'd been told. We're not entirely ready for the floor. Gus was on an art strike. Will, cutting up Brion dreaming up a world for you and me. Stop worrying 'bout the rent, be good darling. "Who will see my world?" He was shot down on a foreign land. Someone's smoking up through the doors. We're not obsessed—we're in love, in a dustytale. Strangers on a yacht to Goodlands, Mauritius. You know I'm on your side. "Words are all I have," but the message's not getting through. It will change your mind, if I could tell you so. Maybe in magazines, maybe in between...

Sun Oct 11 - Noon

"I like to hold it in my arms and keep it company", she woke up from a dream like the sun rises everyday. She sang of apple trees and honey bees, "shake along with me."

25 days well too long. The snuggles, the cigarettes, the phone calls and the distance way off track. A tattoo that should have been inked into the skin. There, probably wouldn't have gone too far, we thought. All the lashes unleashed for a single question without any solid reasonings. I couldn't have make it more entertaining. We'll see.

Mik & Kat with their mesmerizing accent, painted the room a changing season. Eleven quid left, I held back the horses. The Chapman Brothers laid still with Barney and the Koenig in the castle ruins.

"Hey Stella, whatever will be will be," no doubt 'bout it.

Then, it will be read the other way around.


Catherine the waitress running back and forth
the bar we'd never visited.

Drawings from Alex uncovered across the Rubicon.

The so called perfect dwelling—yet to be discovered.

Chapters from the book distorted.

November will soon be gone.


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4/16/06 02:34 am - 10/5/09 04:24 pm

3/22/06 08:43 pm

Things always happen in my head. imaginations and all , sometimes for moments, i cant even tell if it did happened.When you dnt talk to anyone at all, you start talking to youself and you start wondering and dreaming and all. You get alife when you are sleeping at night for you get to dream about the things that wldnt happen at all. Welcome to my castle in the air. all day i do nothing , but dream. and all so preoccupied in my insanity. Time simply passes me by, he gave up on me pretty much for i had given up on him, maybe. maybe not. Tommorrow's sorrows seem to live everyday.

4/4/06 02:05 pm

I will slip into her dreams, draw on her shoes and steal all of her sorrows.

5/9/06 11:05 pm

There is a kind of emptiness in me tonight. Maybe the day drained me , so I am that useless , easily exhausted . I am barely there yet . Not even at the start point perhaps. Somebody sang that one has to live before one dies . I kept thinking what I should do with mine . I am too much a dreamer and nobody pays for a dreamer. Even when its free, they probably have 2nd thoughts. Nobody seems to trust me. Maybe its just me, I wasnt convincing enough for sure. Maybe I wouldnt like me when I meet me. I got to be crazy to like me. There just isnt enough crazy people out there huh. And I used to think that as time goes by, my circle of friends get bigger, so I thought. Now I know its otherwise, I am too much an anti social idiot. I am arrogant and I am still in my castle in the air. But, I am hungry and confused. Always angry, always lost. A part of me wants this what not, the other side of me contradicts. Looking back at what I had done, I thought what the hell am I doing. Where do I really go from here. I think alot. Alot of shit. I worry. I imagine. And I dream, on and on. About the most unexpected things and the events that will never ever happen. I think so much, I get a headache. I dream so much, I never want to get out of bed. I could just shut my eyes and be in the world that I will never be. I could fly. All these aggravate the emptiness but at least these moments are utopian. Always am high on fantasies. The whole idea of imagination. Bad thoughts. Bad wishes. Haha. I can just go on walking and walking, and I refuse to stop. I may be walking in circles. Waiting.

Can I really play a game without rules, without order. It doesnt always rain on me, at least not entirely. Still .. . I mean why are we always so concerned of what any goddamnmotherfucker has to say, to do or anything. Why is this fucking dough so essential. Fuck dough-nuts. Screw advertising. Screw 5SGD 1cup of diluted mocha caffe. Screw that crush in my head that's driving me crazy. Its so true, to cure an addiction/obssession, all you need to do is find a new distraction.

5/11/06 09:41 pm

The fishes in the tank died one after another, day after day, since the day I took pictures of 'em.
I must have stolen their souls.

Til the day we meet again, you might have fallen for another.
It may just happen for real, for once, for good.

5/14/06 04:05 pm

In the end, we're all nothing but dusts on barren lands. Carried away by the wind to places we've never been. Forgotten and mistaken.
Blame yourself, for the wasted years; because we'al dumb and jaded. We ignored the rainy days and we never talk 'bout it. Have you cried over this lonliness. Have you thought of the girl who lived across your apartment. Have you stolen her soul in exchange for a box of matches to keep you warm. Is it true what they said about you and all the empty promises you've given to 'em.
I remembered the day you caught my eyes, you must have watched me drown in your presence. I swam ashore only to realise that you were on the other isle in the ocean. Was it all a dream ? Wasnt it all for free.

5/17/06 12:34 am

Strangely, the faster you run, the longer the distance it gets in between. The further there is that we can not see.
How wil you know you have found what you were looking for when what's lost can never be found again or whatever wasnt lost is nothing to be found.
Where were you today? What were the routes that you've taken? Who have you met? Who have you spoken of?
You are an unsolved riddle, mysterious and intriguing.

5/19/06 12:23 am


Wel, next please.
It wil al be gone, the mystery and the misery.
And nothing else does matter.

Lets get high on thinner and turpentine.
Drown your sorrows and kil yourself tonight.

Actions do speak louder than words.


5/20/06 03:35 am

I'll see you again on 31|11|10. I'll count the numbers that never ends. I'll meet you at the lucid crossroads. I'll take that extra route just for a glimpse of you. By the way, that smile eons ago is still hanging around in the back of head. I say, where have you been.

5/22/06 02:53 pm

Loitering flashes living at the back alleys of 23rd street.

5/23/06 01:29 am

And I stood in front of the window display each time I pass the 6th store on 23rd street. I stood there for hours that felt like minutes. I stare right thru the countless pieces of articles written of this character that I only met at the crossroads of imagination. No matter how long I stood there, I just couldnt put the bits and pieces together. I couldnt understand your existence without being real. There was no truth nor possibilities. Some days, I saw me in that store while I was just passing by; some days, as I stood there, I saw you in the reflection - you were just next to me; some days, I just ran away from all. Despite the denials, I just couldnt escape this ladyrinth. There wasnt any other routes to take.

5/24/06 08:05 pm

Hahahaha, I saw you yesterday. I do suppose its you. Again. Running pass the aisle, up and down and up again. What the hell were you trying to do. But, you missed me. I was sitting right by the corner where all I could see was miles of fading light, from blue to blue to blue to orange to red to orange to blue to black, not exactly. And when it turns from black to black to blue to blue to yellow again you fell from the fire escape?, with a flying rocket. Its ok, you'll be back...I see you on the 13th storey,along the corridor facing the ferris wheel. Yes, that building. And he's not suppose to know.

5/27/06 12:17 am

I live in a container on one of the 13th level amongst this massive residential jungle with an insipid view of infinite lightboxes. In them, countless strange beings lived the days and left the nights. And if I do stretch out a lil, I get a view of the highway and a lil green and blue with flashes of lightnings at times in the sky. I wld stare out at these mini light trails a mile away for hours til I see it coming. And when everyone around me is asleep, I wld climb out of the window as quietly as I can with rose flavored rollies in my pocket and follow the trail that came in my direction. Its a travelator suspended in the midst of the night, you can travel for free if you bring a crush with you ( definitely with love and you may get away with lust sometimes ). It travels at the speed of your imagination and infatuation. The quicker you decide where you are heading to, you'll be there in an instant otherwise you may just enjoy the night on it as it strolls through emptiness. Wel, there're countless stars that you could rip just to be with her but, nevermind. Dnt worry, it never rains on you when you're on it (No, its not sheltered), it just doesnt. Last night, I just sat on it not knowing where I shd go to. It brought me to you. Then again, you couldnt see me cos I was behind you. And I went after you, but you were so near yet so far. By the time I could reach out to you, I saw you holding her hands. I mean, what the fuck, she just *blink* and appear. The next thing I know, I was walking through the back alleys of street 23 again. This time, I saw 'skunk in the funk' drooling over adrien brody. And there was that snobbish ugly dark hair donkey showing off his fickle lil monkey that he stole from the ghetto. And there was a ladybird that none had figured his constant contradictions except the fact that he probably was a wannabe-reincarnation of anti-conformist marcel duchamp went east. I love him though. Of cos, I met my version of the three weird sisters - Jayla, Peggy and Gigi; whom are the apple of the eyes of all fairies; in the middle of an art orgy. The dangerboys were building that wall on those concrete slabs so that humpty may dumbtily fall off and break into a zillion pieces and stain the world with his smelly white.I was hoping to pass that store so I could be with you but the more I tried I got lost. Amidst the search, I saw a parade of puny naked mermen, not a pleasant sight of them trying so hard to slide on those scaly tails of theirs and it smelt totally fishy. There were like thousands of them. What the hell were they doing in town by the way. I strolled on. And out of no where, you appeared. Hey, I must have made myself see you. And we sat down like forever with a glass of peach vodka each that never finishes and we did not say anything to each other. All I did was look you in your eyes and I saw all that you were thinking of, everything but myself. I saw sadness in them on barren lands on a stage that the curtains could never be drawn. There are hundreds and thousands of short stories with tragic endings, what are mine compared to those of yours or theirs. I am just a pathetic lil roach who lived pass decades and centuries and b.c keeping my fingers crossed counting on luck not to be squashed to death by an idiot. You said you were gonna sleep but why wld anyone sleep in their dreams. I could only let you go. Then, I was running away like a thief though I only attempted to steal your heart from her, I didnt know how to make that move. Yet there was this arsehole running after me with a parang on one hand and his bloody guts on the other. I ran. Looking for the travelator that will bring me home to where my mother is waitng for me with tears in her eyes and a pain in her heart that will never ease for I am a wild lil kid always running away from her. I never looked her in the eyes for I am guilty of a betrayal. I ran, maybe I didnt, but I found my way home and I hid under my blanket pretending to be asleep...

5/28/06 03:09 am

The lift up to the 13th floor took longer then it usually does. I felt your breath on my left cheek. You were probably an inch away from me. Each breath made my heart skip a beat faster than before. I saw you at the corner of my eye, I wished it was forever.I wished that it was for real.

5/28/06 02:59 pm

5/29/06 01:25 am

DangerBoys' Hangout

5/29/06 01:31 am

I sat on the edge of that hole, waiting. I couldnt find the trails tonight. It seemed to be cut off. I hope it was temporary or it didnt know I was waiting up all night at your door. I came up to you when I saw you standing there, but you looked through me like I was invisible. Couldnt you tel that it was just you i want to sleep with. Couldnt you tel you were what i was hanging around the backalley for. The sunlight did make me paranoid, but darkness brought me no where either. I was just loitering on the corridors with doors that were shut on me, i went on lookng for the slightest gap to peep through in search of the route you will be taking. And I sat down on the couch in front of the television, with you beside me, with words that I couldnt whisper in your ears. Stoning, waiting in vain. Too bad you're beautiful, too bad I aint who you're dreaming of...

5/30/06 04:58 pm

The 2nd room at the end of the corridor on the 13th floor lives a man with dreadlocks that were longer then Goldilock's. He has got the view of the end of the world where light goes out on him each night arrives. He's never been out of the room, he hardly leaves the sight of his computer screen, he doesnt eat nor drink, he's not a ghost either (maybe he is, htf will i know). He's just waiting by the ocean for her return. His memories were stalled from the day he last remembered living. All these years, he doesnt stink despite not showering (his water and electric were cut off cos he couldnt pay no bils; btw his computer runs on solar) but instead an alluring scent lingered around him. And each time you pass by his door, you will stop just to imagine the other world behind it. An enchanted forest with all the strange species of life that may exist in there. The endless trails that may lead you to places never imagined in that yoma, the dreams that will come true in that confined space. Sounds of silence that are rhythmic and it goes on and on in your head and you will start moving to the beats (ass-wriggling). Each day, you have to pass that door for that dosage of adrenalin. Its as addictive as pot is. Many people wanted to know what was going on in that unit, so they sailed out to the ocean hoping to get an answer with the view out there. Those who came back alive, came back blind. And the others didnt return, they simply drown themselves leaving the ocean with many sail boats, dinghies, yacht or whatsoever empty, floating around. If you want to leave this island, swim to any of them, but remember not to look back into his unit and off you go to the end of the world. Do not even try abseiling from the roof cos its a #489-levels block. Maybe if you're dying to know what is in there, you may just go ahead with this suicide. Various rumors filled the entire block, then to street 23 and soon the whole of Van City like wild fire. The ferris wheel stopped operating, the bustling back allies became ghost towns and you never walk on the streets anymore, you run. Those who returned from the ocean were blinded by love, blinded because they wanted what they've seen to be the last visual in their head, they turned blind because they realised nothing else is more important than what that can be felt from the heart. Some cried till they got blind while others dug out their eyeballs and some sewn their eyelids together with bostik gum. Those who drown themselves realised that nothing else is worth living for, some wanted a new life while others believed it was something worth dying for- knowing the truth. We could tell that those who came back were hiding some truth, they werent generous enough to share because of the sacrifice they made in exchange. There was denial in their tone of voices, there was love yet there was fear. What was the unspeakable truth that couldnt make a noise. Sadness rises in the air of Van City, and trenches were dug in people's hearts. Everyone was filled with curiosity and a sense of fear that was spreading like a plague. Was truth such an importance. Each day, I will make a wrong turn from the lift lobby just to make a detour pass his unit for my daily jab. One fine night, the sound of shattering glass pierced through the dreams of everyone in Van City (for a moment, I wondered why people pierce their ears, anyway). It was 4am in the darkest of the night, the entire city was awaken. The trees and plants have outgrown the space in his home, shattering the glass panel that cuts him from the outside world. We saw birds that flew out had colors and patterns on their feathers that we've never seen before. The unicorns that flew out were for real and so did dumbo the elephant. And there were just too many strange exotic animals that we couldnt name cos we never knew, flew pass us to the end of the world and vanished, And he came climbing down the broken panel with his dreadlocks as his climbing rope (he must have locked himself in and that was the only way out) and when he reached the ground, he cut off his hair and ran towards the ocean. You will just float in the air, high when he passes you with that scent in him. For that moment, you thought he was god. And as he disappeared into the ocean, we all knew he realised that he should be out looking for her. And fear dies off in the city as he left. The people of Van City are full of hope once again . . .What took him so long anyway; perhaps he was waiting for his hair to grow till the length of 13 floors or perhaps he received a reply on his computer, perhaps perhaps perhaps.

6/2/06 01:50 am

On my way home, I was caught in the fight between Mobster Blurry Eyes and Mobster Fucked up Brain, maybe both of 'em were trying to trick me. And came Mobster Totally Confused because Mobster Infatuation has been stalking me the day I moved to Van City. When I was younger, I used to imagine if I had to lose a sense of the 5 senses, I will immediately give up my sight 'cos I was so naive, thinking that feelings are far more important than seeing(not that it is not true, I just cant give it up so easily now). And as I grew older, I got weaker. I have became such a wimp. Yes, I am afraid of darkness; I am afraid I wouldnt see that cheeky smile on your face once more; I am afraid I may not feast my eyes of the beauty in this world; I am afraid that I can not peep at you from outside the store. Such a wuss and a shallow chelo I may be. However, each time Mobster Blurry Eyes stick his gun on my head and steal my clarity, I shut my eyes and prayed (to my instant fallback) so hard, begging him not to steal it away from me please. Then Mobster Fucked up Brain will force his way through bringing Mobster Totally Confused with him, and my clarity comes back to me. So on and off, they had me in this long con and still is. So is it Mobster Fucked up Brain or Mobster Blurry Eyes who's fooling me? Blur, clear, clear, blur, very blur, still blur. I am already so caught up with these annoying mobsters and Mobster Infatuation hasnt made my life any better. I brought you Supper Hearty Hearts from The Carnival but waited in vain. . . great, now Mobster Retarded is on his way. By the way, Mobster Blurry Eyes and Mobster Fucked up Brain, you both can go eat some Laika's poo. May my Instant Fallback damn you'al. :)

6/5/06 02:05 am

I remember vaguely 3 differently dreams I had last night, maybe more maybe not. Mobster Infatuation brought his friend along to me again - been 3 nights consecutively (I am looking forward still). And one other funny scenario that I ended up frightening myself, I'm not too sure what I was hiding from, guess some 'Bloodthirsty Shark' I read about a few days back, banging on the glass panel which was supposed to be on TV but I ended up there myself, you know, these dreams you just go everywhere anywhere. I dreamt I fell asleep while dodging it, then I woke up dreaming, or I dreamt that I woke up or I already was awake, I'm still unsure. I havent already gotten a great correction with my bloody glasses on, what's worst without any at all. I saw something hiding away from me onto the top of your wardrobe, and the more I squint, all i saw was a lil puny red/white thing hiding away from me. I am too short to see what's up on that wardrobe. Then, in the day, as I was stoning in front of the computer waiting for you, I look up just to stretch my neck and i thought I saw that lil puny red/white thing that I hung on mr. Spongebob's nose. The wardrobe is behind me as I uses the computer; I wonder how that thing ran across next to me without me noticing. . . My eyes' been failing me, and so is my brain and my heart, they just dnt coordinate well at all. Wldnt you stop running away from me?

6/6/06 12:19 am

Current Music:
Like You Crazy - Mates of State

6/7/06 04:33 pm

Van City lies on an isle that grew from a seed that fell from the sky. None of the clouds confessed that it was theirs. I loved Van City the day I moved in, there's something about this place that words cannot describe. Drop by when you are free. The carnival's on 25|08|06.
As the great carnival was around the corner, Wai decided he should be part of the swing and came bumming in at my place. It was a pleasant surprise but I had to steal some hedgerows from my neighbor's (whom has yet to return from the ocean since the night he broke out of his apartment) so as to make him feel at home. Wai's a cream-spot ladybird; he's not a lady, neither is he a bird but a super lil duper beetle. He's got the rarest spots on him that made him so beautiful and special. Wai's weird, more than the 3 weird sisters, he comes and goes as he please. You only find him at special occasions. Although he's lil, he's not difficult to spot for he always stands out from the crowd, probably cos he's already in my head. Wai is a hitman. Despite his quirkiness, he still is the apple(pea) in my eyes. He killed me when he met me but later brought me back to life again, yes he can be such a pain in your arse. Wai's really nuts, he's barely half a centimeter tall yet he brought all his belongings in a luggage that was the size of the DHL's 25kg Jumbo saver box! He came that afternoon, with that box 'flying' in the air on the 13th level outside my window. I knew it was him then. You can never hide anything from Wai, cos he can simply get into your head and your heart and read you all.And when you feel a certain itch in your throat or chest or ears or behind your eyes, you know he's there looking through all your highly-confidential files in that messed up storage room. He de-frags 'em if you bring him his favourite aphids and psyllids. I love Wai cos with him around, I didnt have to wait for the travelator in the night. He can just give me a lift to anywhere I want to. Any place but to you. And we must always be back home before the sun rises otherwise the pranks that we played on others will all come back to us. And with Wai around my place, he shall keep an eye on that red/white creature that is roaming around me secretly. Me and Wai are going to the People's Park now, talk to you later . . .

6/8/06 04:01 pm

I lost Wai at the People's Park yesterday. I was caught by the Mobs of Embarrassment. And once again, the news came today that I lost the game which held SGD100,000 at stake.Oh yes, goddamnmotherfuckingshitfuck. My works suck donkey dicks. Wai will be so disappointed. But at least, I figured I am not so half-fucked now. Why Wai why why Wai? Once bitten, twice shy. Twice rejected, thrice forget it then. Hoooooooo! Wai, please get your puny lil arse back here; I need a shoulder to cry on. . ..

6/8/06 11:36 pm

Current Music:
Lost On Yer Merry Way - Grandaddy

6/10/06 01:00 pm

Had not been sleeping well lately. Couldnt put myself to sleep and getting up in couple of hours and going back to sleep and getting up at fucked up hours; backaches and bad face. Sometimes I dnt even dream, otherwise they are short lived boring situations. Not too sure what's bothering me, I thought I am ok but maybe not. My neighbor and his roommate had been getting on my nerves (perhaps like always), the ones upstairs have been throwing shit down and landing on my balcony. Fuckers. Wai is still not back. Jayla's been bugging us for works for the show at the Carnival. I have the ideas just procrastinating and dnt exactly know what have to be done. I havnt taken a ride on the travelator for more than a week. I have been drinking alot of water yet it feels like I have been drained fast and going empty again. I have been a pirate in his hard-boiled wonderland but hardly even halfway to the end of the world. What have I lost and where should I be looking for it. Maybe I shd go up on the ferris wheel later in the evening with my kaleidoscope, feel the breeze and leave my self. I miss my other dangerboy, who's been away for the adventures of the misguided MTX on his Yomaha thousands of miles away from Van City. My stomach's been acting weird, I couldnt tell if it was hungry or angry. Help.

6/11/06 01:15 am

Pick your fav.color (found at the back alleys of st.23)
Current music:The Ballad of the Broken Birdie Records - Mum

6/13/06 12:58 am

Wai's back. We were so fucking bored and desperate, I took him for a ride on my Plymouth SuperBird to the other end of the island, where there is a fairground on top of Skribby Hill. Paid the park fees and bought an "ALL* RIDES" ticket which includes "a free friend" if you came alone. Wai was with me, but the counter boy didnt realise that puny bug and allowed me to pick "a friend" and since the more the merrier, I took the "free friend" along. Her name was Charlene. And Wai was totally infatuated with her. It was pretty empty at the park which was great, we didnt have to queue forever. Cotton candies, popcorns, a late XIX century carousel and whatever that you can imagine or request. The carousel is a teleporter; it brings you to where you wished for on the 3rd round and by the 13th, you will return on the back of the unicorn. Each round lasts 30 seconds and each second contains a minute in your preferred destination; meaning you will have 5 hours there. And the rule is that one person may only have one ride on the carousel in a year. I hafnt had my ride for the year but I didnt want to today either. Wai and Charlene went ahead without me. I stood there and watched them vanish in thin air. I went alone on the roller coaster that lasted for 93mins! It was slow throughout as it went around Van City but it was exciting+annoying and took the 3 plunges from the 83rd minute onwards with the steepest drop down 580meters. It was hell of a ride! This special ride cost me $200. Urgh. We're staying over at the hotel tonight to continue the other rides tomorrow...

6/15/06 07:20 pm

Along Skribbly Hill
Current Music: I Have Become What I Always Hated - Saosin

6/19/06 09:00 pm

Been awhile. As I do believe - to curb an obsession is to find a new distraction. And there I was, with Wai and Charlene at the fairground for couple of days and sleepless nights. Took the rides and played the games over and over and over again. And of cos, I did find something else once again. Bid goodbye to Charlene and off we go on my SuperBird down Skribby Hills back home. And on my way at the highway store, I picked up Truman Capote's In Cold Blood. Have yet to start it cos I still cant get over that hard-boiled wonderland ...

6/22/06 12:00 am

I sat below the almond tree and watch autumn turn into ashes. The birds came to sit by the branches and watch me sulk. The black sheep goes "Baa baa baa baa baa baa ba" and so did the white one "Baa baa baa baa baa ba", they never understood each other. And they went on "Baa baa baa baa blah blah blah".Its ridiculous but its happening. Came tumbling down the hill were Jack and Gill who went to fetch a basket of fairies who turned all the little bunny foo foos into goons. I thought they said her boobies were dead and asked me to bring back her boobies lying over the ocean. And they went away. Zum gali gali gali, Zum gali gali. Zum gali gali gali, Zum gali gali.
I sat there, broken.

6/22/06 06:55 pm

Current Music:
Everyday Is A Holiday - Esthero

8/3/06 08:31 pm

Current Music: A Little's Enough - Angels and Airwaves

8/5/06 01:30 am

If I take a step a day to walk out of this mainland, it will take me couple of lifetimes or none. Give me a ride. Spare me your agony. The sky could fall tonight, show me your castle and bring me a fag like you did. I may die just to be with you. See you soon. . .

8/11/06 12:46 am

"When I was just a lil girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich. This is what she said to me: Hey Sarah Sara, What ever will be will be. The future's not us to see. Hey Sarah Sara. . ." Cos I am not Sarah, when I was just a lil girl, I never asked my mother if I will be pretty nor will I be rich. I will not be around no more, and so will y'all so soon, we've forgotten the number of people we've met so far. Nothing's worth the frown on your face yet we'al cant help but think bout the day that we die. Where will I be to be.

8/11/06 02:39 pm

Why does it always rain on me. Yes, I lied when I was seventeen.

8/14/06 12:10 am

Current Music:
A Few Minutes on Friday - Bright Eyes

8/20/06 01:55 am

The carnival is in 5 days. Days had went by looking green in the shadows of yesterdays. Nights had shut off stealing my dreams of you away. He who went to the end of the world and back has yet to find that smile on her face. The ferry ride to the isle of fantasy arrived just 10minutes too late. While the wait for a return took even longer than the trip. I could sit there freezing my ass off just to feel your presence a foot away. An inch closer each minute takes twice the hours away from reality. I will be there waiting.

8/21/06 12:16 am

Current Music:
Her Voice Is Beyond Her Years - Mew

8/22/06 09:16 pm

Current Music: Nothing's Found - Last Days Of April

8/24/06 10:50 pm

The night has come where the wolves parade the back alleys of Van City. From the 1st to the 23rd streets, they went on searching for the lost child of the angel in your nightmare. They came from the rainbows that formed from the beginning till the end of the world on this day where the sun fell like rain from the clouds. The city in darkness except for the lumination across the sky. We hid in our homes keeping our dreams in the lockers for a stray fantasy wld lead the wolves to us. Where all our dreams wld be stolen, memories erased and we'll never return to Van CIty. We had to keep our mind from us, yet I thought of you...

8/31/06 01:31 am

Wai left. The show's over. A lil's never enough. I'll miss him. I left my mind in the locker since the eve of the carnival. If it wasnt for him, I wld have lost it. How would I remember if I wld have utterly forgotten bout it without it. Some of my thoughts were misplaced. It happens. Forgetting is less tiring then remembering. I remembered the day we went for a ride on a bright sunny afternoon, leaving behind traces of lies and packs of nachos. Its been awhile since I went on the light trails, I kept falling asleep. . .

9/5/06 12:24 am

You were strolling along the main streets, into the back alleys and entering all the rooms. Running up the stairs and down the elevators in that messed up castle. Stop knocking on the doors, just enter cos you're giving me a headache. Do not slam the doors too or I will sneeze. You're driving me crazy so pls just sit down by the corner at the back of my head for a moment. You may continue exploring when I fall asleep. And you shall see the end of my world.

9/13/06 01:49 am

I was standing on edge of my balcony. I was thinking what it will be like not knowing how things will become if I take a step forward. But my feet were rooted and my heart was beating ten times faster than running down the street. I couldnt look you in your eyes for all I could see was the other side of your other world the other time the other space and all the routes we've taken were joy rides on Skribby Hill, free and easy. I can not forget the wonders of flying. Yes, I flew on my own. And I can never forget the colours of one particular night when I took a fall. Never again had I re-visited that zone. I didnt have the guts to unlock the gate, my mind was holding me back. My heart is too small.

Van City's been really crowded these days. And the bad traffic isnt making things any better. I've been getting new neighbours moving in to the block and things are getting more interesting. Of cos, people moved out and the units are replaced with other friendly chaps. I've yet to know them all but am slowly getting familiarised.. . . ....


9/30/06 11:40 am

Current Music: My Little Corner Of The World - Yo La Tengo

10/4/06 04:44 pm

I didnt know where to go what to do. I couldnt think of anything at all. It seems like I had misplaced my heart and my mind on my way home. I followed the trail where I had taken but I just couldnt find 'em. I went back to the flat and sat there for hours doing nothing. Doing nothing is something afterall. Yet how can one be filled with emptiness when empty is nothing. Nothing does kill. It kills nothing that is perhaps a big thing. I couldnt write I couldnt sleep I couldnt read I couldnt tell what's that shit that's making me so preoccupied. I couldnt explain of cos. I am not even convinced. I wish Wai is here to direct me, to console me, to scream at me, to wake me up and to put me to sleep. I've moved to the next street cos it was too damn noisy at the previous block. Give me a pocket filled with miracles and all I need now is a hug. Tell me everything's gonna be ok. Tell me the end of world is nothing but another beginning.

Right now, I gotta relocate the light trails back to the castle in the air. Seeya'

10/6/06 11:20 pm

Current Music: Redwings - Guillemots

10/10/06 12:00 am

It hasnt been high, but dry. The almonds aint growing. The birds aint settling there no more. The street of Havil stink of piss and flats are broken into by the Yobs. The weather's been warm and the foxes are roaming the back alleys even in broad daylights. Going out on the light trails are getting risky but this makes the journey trilling. Its hard to look at the big picture with our hearts closed. My mind had been caught in a labyrinth for days I lost count of. Its not what you're thinking, go find a place and fly with the wind. Perhaps my mind was stolen by the fallen angels, perhaps I'm too stubborn to die. I couldnt care less what's for dinner, neither for the thoughts in your head. The three weird sisters had went to Netherlands and wouldnt be back anytime soon. And I too shall embark on the journey to Yoma for my castle in the air is falling fast. What's the cure for the bad blood in me when bleeding me dry wouldnt even stain the wonderwall. So shut your mouth, close your eyes and let Loretta do the rest .....

10/14/06 06:00 pm

How can one live like there's no tomorrow when hope is said to arise with the sun the next morning. Yet tomorrow's sorrow could just be right here right now driving fear into your bones. The chill of loneliness is not a rush of blood to your head but a gush of puke. When will things be o.k. I dnt want to live in my nightmare but opening my eyes aint making things any better. The real world doesnt stop revolving, the real you never live in luxury. Nobody will wait cos when you fall, you just got to lift your fat arse off. I dnt want to sink either cos I am so afraid when darkness envelops me. Its just too much to handle. Its tiring when wild thoughts run around in the head, it goes on cos there's no corners for any retreat. And how the hell can one sing that the day that they die will be the happiest day of their life when they have not even experienced it. They will probably be the ones to laugh last. If I live each day wondering about tomorrow, it will soon be a fucking routine that brings nothing but fear. Why the fuck is there even something called Plans when its just something that will be screwed up. Insanity will be the best cure for this world I live in. I wish you are here beside me...

10/18/06 12:25 am

Current Music: Wrong Time Capsule - Deerhoof

10/20/06 05:24 pm

I'll kill who you hate, everything will be o.k.

10/26/06 02:35 am

I took a trip to the isle north of Van City. An hour ride on mainland and another on the kayak across. Its been a long time since I got into the sun for a ride on the waves, it's always a good feeling to keep off the concrete. The heat from the sun and the breeze in the air in the middle of the sea simply is the perfect cure for depression. I've always been a fool and this may never change. I jumped down from my window, knowing I will hurt myself but I know I wldnt die. I robbed me because I was silly and arrogant. And I shallnt give a shit so bring it on.

Darkness arrives earlier each day it got colder. The chill that gets into your bones is the fuckiest sense ever. Common sense seems to be lost in this fucked up situation, what was going on? Fall in Van City and summer in the Isle of Reverie. And this summer of love is here this autumn with mysteries and curiosities that make your mind go crazy. Its the time of the year where the birds flock towards North, and the time we all learn to overcome our fears. Do not get caught looking in my direction for the slightest stare may block my arteries and I wish not to die in winter. I jumped off my kayak and swam the last 200meters towards the shore, I hafnt thought how I am gonna make my way back without the craft but what the heck. Aint we supposed to live life to the fullest? Sounds like a great idea filled with ironies.

The game is on, share with me your strategy...

11/1/06 01:35 am

My evil twin took my ride for the day. Visited an Art Friend and stole a handful of Radiergummis. Took bottles of paint and splatter 'em all over the neighbor's ponies. Ate all the freebies at the supermarket and took pictures of everyone walking thru the back alleys of street 23. Sang the song of A Heart Without A Mind, threw away all my drawings and tattooed "The Fiction We Live" on her left wrist. Grab my journal and flew to Argentina. Alright, where the fuck are you now...

11/16/06 03:28 am

Current Music: Y Control - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

11/19/06 09:52 pm

"Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark"

By Death Cab for Cutie.

yeah, and he has been looping the same song for the past 30hours. what a place to live in.

11/26/06 04:58 am

Last night I had the strangest dream, just like The Postal Service sang it. Except that it wasnt about the world getting warmer or who shot John F.Kennedy. It was how I met you on the way to the isle of memories every single sleep. The colors I've nvr seen and the war I wasnt involved. The smell of the sea and the look in your eyes. But it all aint real. What's real is time flies without anybody's business like it was yesterday I got caught in your light trail. I hate time. Time is life but I dnt hate life as much as i hate time, maybe i love life and hate you. Whatever it is, what's the concept behind us anyway.

I must have forgotten to tell y'al. There was this person I met at the carnival 3 mths ago. I was in the white room with Wai and it got too packed I had to get out for a fag when I met Loco. Loco is from the Coco and we realised that we were in the same flat before. We spoke of the guy who went to the end of the world and back again only to find out that he had long lost the love of his death. We spoke of the illumination on certain nights above the horizon through our windows and the unicorns strolling the shoreline. We must have all sat in loneliness only to find hope lost on our way home from school. Today while i was shopping for crap I saw Loco at the end of the lane buying packed happiness in a sardine can. I couldnt go up to Loco cos looking at her is like looking into the mirror every night. I couldnt see her with my bag of sorrow behind me, I had to move on. It was good to meet a stranger again in an unfamiliar place. I doubt she's doing fine. She's probably pretty fucked like I am.

The world is getting warmer, yet I am getting colder.I've gotta get hold of Brion Gysin's Dream Machine; maybe a mushroom shake could kill some time at the moment...

12/7/06 02:08 pm

Current Music: The Gift - Angels and Airwaves

12/9/06 02:30 am

Current Music: Skinny Boy - Amy Millan

12/9/06 12:23 pm

I was running faster and faster and faster but I have yet to catch up with you. And when I take a break, you just couldnt stop running at the back of my head. How can we ever meet again if we're both on parallel routes, and if it ever coinside, there'll be chaos but it is going to be the best thing that ever happened in my life here in Van City. How can I not tell; I must have misplaced my bag of physic powers on the light trails miles across the ocean. Oh Wai , oh Wai , please tell me what's been stealing my sleep away from me. Grow some flowers and then I will know if its for real...

2/11/06 03:49 am

yeah, and now i see the truth. but truth isnt all that we need to ease this troubled lil mind.

12/14/06 03:09 am

For the first time, right here right this moment i feel me not on ground. I feel a needle poked through my chest and a couple more followed. My eyes were stinging and a pain i couldnt explain. I miss the existence on the other side of the world i once was. Nothing much but seeing autumn turn into ashes. And when the Nut-cracker asked me what was the most fun thing i had ever done, i was speechless. He said it wasnt because I never had any that i couldnt reply but that it is going to be the most important thing that i will want to do it again. I had to contemplate. As he swallowed that shitty nutmeg-vodka-cocaine-jello, i thought to myself - i have to be insane yet that massive headache wasnt helping nothing. As i said a zillion times, insanity is the only cure in this ridiculous reality. I am not too sure who i am looking for as i walked down that corridor, i couldnt just knock on that door knowing that it will be slammed right into my face. I dont know where to go to because all that's on my mind is what's that's on yours. Spare me thy agony, show me some love.

12/23/06 08:28 pm

Money indeed makes the world go round, at least it brought me half around the earth, almost. I had to go 10893km to send a friend that I forgot to send home the night before. Made my way to the airport with a million zillion of I-dnt-know-what's in my head. I couldnt remember how to deposit credits into the travel ticket and i waited at the wrong line for a long time about to take a wrong train. Someone told me I wasnt supposed to be there and i thanked him for his kindness. And I didnt know where to go for the right train, i aimlessly walked thru wrong tunnels having known I had already wasted much time returning to the flat couple of times forgetting everything. An hour on a train cramped with loads of people and their baggages, to place not knowing how I shd get to the destination isnt the most exciting ride at all; I prayed like I never did.

The fog delayed the departure, and being stucked in a stationery plane for 3 hours is hel of a pain in the arse. And being caught in a confined seat in the air for 12 fucking hours was simply - shit. It was strange that "Little Miss Sunshine" was playing and I met Olives' Grandfather who died of drug overdose. Of cos, mine didnt. And how strange it was to watch the next movie about a father from where I was heading to died of heart failure. What are the odds, like they always say.

My mind simply stopped functioning and i could just stare into space.

I arrived within 24 hours; yet I was still too late and lost 8 fucking hours of my life yesterday...

(Local time, 24.12.06 04:28)

1/2/07 05:04 pm

The first day of the year arrived as the wolves went north. The rain in the sun brought the rainbow that followed the pack. Tomorrow will be the history of the future, and I will be waiting for you by the store down the road...

2/5/07 02:52 am

33 days. Couple of weeks, hundreds of hours, countless moments of flashes of you, him and 'em. Slanted glasses, shaky hands and The Knife surrounding me. Sleepless nights of repetitive annoying dreams, flying planes and broken thoughts. I couldnt stop thinking what it would be like to be at the back of your mind. If I could swing by anytime, if I could take a walk and just be me. I couldnt give it up again this time although I couldnt breathe anymore. I cannot swear that I'll never leave you 'cos good times do not last forever, but I'll keep my heart with yours. Yet, I'm too afraid to look inside. "But I'll be waiting where ever you go and I'll be there whenever you call."

And he couldnt stop talking about wells. He includes one in every story he wrote. There aint no wells where I live, yet there's one right inside everyone of us. The darkest depth that the chill eats right down the bones.

I'll see you again the next time when the man above allows us. I'll say hello, and lets not bid goodbye...

2/5/07 01:55 pm

No, I really cannot wait to leave this shithole flat. Move me please.

2/11/07 11:47 pm

Current Music: Get The Fuck Outta Here - The Presets

2/16/07 12:43 am

The Fiction We Live - From Autumn to Ashes

2/18/07 01:44 pm

Thieves. 2 typical kinds/

One who steals your breakfast and leave behind their dirt and we all curse that they will vanish into thin air and make this world a better place. Kil 'em all 'cos we hate these motherfuckers.

Other who steals your heart, leave you in the dark and refuse to speak to you; yet you continue living in denial and soon get disillusioned. Worst stil, you cant stop thinking about such thieves. They loiter in your head , makes your heart skip a beat so many times you wish you're dead instead. They simply drive you crazy but you cant stop loving these fuckables.

Life is just so full of shit.

2/21/07 04:57 pm

Only if guilt doesnt find me being a dreamer all my life.

"All those beautiful boys. Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears," CocoRosie.

Just like any other usual boring days, I sat here staring. Pretty much a shithole, en-suited with a phone-booth sized shower room, a double bed too big to be alone in, a messed up collage of pretty clippings right in my face, stationery/books/movies/chocs/trash filled the desk, a shitty internet connection, the ugliest curtains you've ever imagined, the chilling breeze that never fails to find its way through the tilted window, a stinky corridor and the Ghetto Boys hanging around the blocks dumping glass bottles at our units. The best thing though; my ever beloved Audio-Technical stereo headphones blasting Mondo'77. Life would have been worse without it. And my guilty pleasure of watching tons of American T.V. shows on the www. . .

Its amazing how your mind fails you; you remember nothing of any presence as you see yourself in a photograph. And it all seems so strange as you wonder if that was you indeed. Some photographs just dont trigger any recollections of sort and fear envelops as one doubts this reality. Time steals Memories with no mercy; and simply teases you with headaches. The worst thing that may happen is when your mind gets disillusioned and you just cant tell what was for real. Hallucinations and denials aint the nicest beings; bundled with a burning heart and ruined lungs.

My 'evil' twin sister - the princess of darkness (yes, and I'm the princess of reverie) wrote me a letter sent from Argentina, attached with a photograph of us in the Mickey Mouse Mascot costumes taken when we were 9. I thought of her all these time, I wished I could slip into her dreams, draw on her shoes and steal all her sorrows away...

Yet she need not a photograph to remind her that the closest thing she ever remember of him is close to 2 decades ago -- riding high on his shoulders watching the hippos stuck in that confined pond, that prickly beard and him screaming at her with a cane while she locked herself in the bathroom. She cannot remember what she had done. And the fear of his uncontrolled anger towards the woman who is destined to bring her into this ridiculous world; then, she wished she had a broken home instead of one pretending all to be alright. She'd always wished not to grow up cos days of sitting in a car, looking out of the window with nothing in her mind - nothing, is the most enjoyable ride ever. Then, she had the superpower of controlling the world - for what was to happen and not to. It's strange but she was definitely stronger then.

We only had each other although we do have an elder brother who gave no fuck to nothing; yet now me and her are thousands of miles away. I didnt know what to reply her, I only sent her a picture I took on our birthday while I was out standing by the shore alone. I wasnt in it. She would have knew what was in my mind if she'd seen me in it; I didnt want her to be worried, I only wish for her to be happy and high.

I wonder if Wai's dead. Been awhile since I last heard from him...

2/28/07 12:14 am

"As I shut the door, I caught a glimpse of Hatsumi picking up the receiver. It was the last time I ever saw her." (Murakami, Haruki - Norwegian Wood)

When and what will be your last glimpse of her?

He never fails to engage me into the situations and stories of all the titles I've read so far. I am a pretty bad reader yet I am so addicted to the fiction he'd written. He has became my best friend in this confined dwelling. Although he's partly a reason why a part of me has became pretty messed up. No direct accusations since the prime suspect its my mind indeed. Death, loneliness, indulgence, love, etc; aint this all just life. Hasnt someone said that life is a stage and we always play dead, dont we. But we can never play it all that we want it to be; we've to follow the flow of the co-actors; and cant help but always be weary of the dangers of falling off the edge of the platform. Yet who knows what happens; we aint no psyhic.

And of 'cos too much emo-music isnt good for health. It can be reflected in everything that you do; it lingers at the back of your head and pops out subconsciously. Never too good an idea. Darkness is bad; it steals your cup cakes and frees the wolves. Great musicians and writers - totally affecting me with a slow descent...

Anyway, yeah. My neighbor, she's a leapling; every common year at the specific point between 28th Feb to 1st Mar, the world stops revolving for 3 seconds and time is paused. At this time, all the leaplings will come together and have the biggest celebration where they get to do whatever they wanted to. A second in that dimension is equivelant to 1 day in our reality. And thats the point where the future will be remembered - as a déjà vu. You've to be special to be a leapling. I've been begging her to bring me with her tomorrow, but we'll see. However, in a leap year; the unlucky leaplings will be taken away on the 29th Feb. That's the reason why leaplings are hardcore players who live life to the fullest as they know that the time they get is never as long as they wished it could be.

Alright, I should take a good night's sleep and keep my fingers crossed that she will bring me along tomorrow.

3/25/07 11:00 pm

"I like where we are, when we drive in your car," Hellogoodbye (Here In Your Arms)

"Thank you for the ride 3 years and couple of months ago." And it is true that fallen lashes make your wishes come true, one fine day. We all gotten learn to be patient.

I've been back here for approximately 20 hours. Right at the same spot where I linearly left 24 days ago. I came back when those people decided to wind the spring forward and steal an hour of everyone's life keeping all these countless hours into their secret box of lies. And that was the time when I had to end my trip at the 25th hour. She did bring me to the party for the leaplings and that 25 hours were equivalent to the 24 days I went missing. That was probably the best time I had in my life here in Van City.

We rode the steeds that came by our yard the night laika shallowed the moon and brought hail onto the lands. It was exactly like how I always travel on the light trails but this time with a guide and in a group. It brought us to this magnificent tower castle in the air right above the sea of love. We were welcomed with blasts of fireworks that filled the sky with rapid seconds of random bright flashes that stimulate our minds the way a Dream Machine does. The smoke that followed filled the atmosphere with a pleasant aromatic scent that relaxes you more than a flavored sheehsa. And we simply went higher and higher floating on cloud nine. We watched Stéphane TV in the first room, drank all the lovers' tears in the seond, ate all the anger we vent on our friends, smoked all the rollies that gave us hope and made all the love we ever wished for in the next. And the best part was when I get to go back in time for real and spent almost 3 weeks when Wai was still a lad before he became a bug 'cos he wind up as a junkie. We stole chocolate bars off the shelves of kiosks again and dived the waterfalls of swinging heartbeats. Drove through the fields of broken hearts and drown all the sorrows in bottles of piss. And when the time came to say goodbye, I whispered hello, I will miss you terribly...

The last 20 hours were confusing.

4/22/07 09:37 pm

It's time to pay the rent again. Again. Someone's cooking and I can smell a pathetic 'lil dead chicken burning with garlic onions and chili all over its arse. There're couple of people on my list but it seems like I am the only one visible to me. Nobody's replying me. Nobody can see me. It's like I am lost in a crowd but with nobody around. My head is spinning with emptiness and a bad smell is slipping in through the door. I kept shouting and no one can hear me. I can never tell you to slow down 'cos you wldnt knw that you're driving me crazy. And I can only rant on about boredom because nothing can move on except that misery is holding on. And now, I have nothing much to rattle on.

5/2/07 01:25 am

Twenty-four years ago, in ten minutes. . .


I'm speechless. I am thinking as the cursor blinks waiting for the next alphabet to be typed - I wonder what I should be saying. My mind is still filled with flashes of the stares you'd stolen from the pocket of intrusion and the countless questions of an unanswered curiosity of your existence in nonexistence. Unjustified and the least of any contextual translations. The line between truth and my falsification of intended romanticism is too thick to be broken. I wanted to write a summary of my life story so far but the thought of you is driving insanity into me once and again. I couldnt get rid of you at all. I tried. Always tongue-tied as I am always mesmerised by your presence. And I get so wasted thinking I could be sleeping right next to you. Go away, you've broken the locks of all the doors along the second corridor in my mind. Can't you just be nice as I've always imagined.


I was second out after my twin sister. I've always been polite, haven't y'all realised? "After you, after you", I would have always say. I aint as nasty as her; so much so, I've always let emotions take over most of my time and my friends. We had couple of fights before we eventually had to be here. We tried messing things up in our mum so as to get back to our Dreamland Desiree and not get forced out into this evil place where memories and infatuations are indispensable. Yet Mum had to deliver us into this light of darkness despite two supposing miscarriages. Aint all meant to be is to be. Thing is, Mum'd never acknowledged my sweet princess of reverie, my twin. She'd always thought I am alone. How could she be senile at this age. I think our elder brother has stopped loving us or me for the last decade. Perhaps he'd found out that I'm a thief who cannot stop the habit of stealing the hearts of strangers I so desperately wished to have been closer to. Maybe he just doesnt like the way I look. Maybe he's as fucked up as myself. Of 'cos. We're on an entirely different plane of existence.


I'll be on a trip in awhile. I've got to go see my twin and bring good wishes to her right at her doorstep and give her a big warm hug of love. It'll be a pleasant surprise!


I've always been brought back to my old home on the other plane of memory. Ingenuous thoughts of iniquity. Ironies and fears played over and over...I could elaborate but just not now. I got to go soon.

Speak soon-I wished I'd said.

5/3/07 11:30 pm

"We might fall, we might fall, we might fall, Hallie, we might fall," Ryan Star (We Might Fall).

Repetition, repetition, repetition, inconsistent repetitive reminders of the world so cruel. Perhaps we're just making things difficult for our selves. Finding a truth to lie of our intentions of self inflicted agony. Denial of the solutions, dependent for more ignorance. I found a pain in the deepest darkest spot I burnt into me. I crossed the line not meant to be. I went under the table to dodge a shot right at me towards the least of any integrity. I dodged for fear of your rejection and the lies that may leave on their lips. I only meant to look for your heart that I thought will give me life as you'd always deliberately took my breath away. I took a step forward, you took a mile back. I ponder upon each next step in these sand dunes....

5/7/07 04:00 pm

A bottle of ink, a pencil or a pen, a spool of thread, couple of needles, a pot of boiling water, a lighter, should be fine. And an idea. I was hoping you could leave something on me, like an initial or some kinda secret code only me and you and not everyone knows. Plus, a steady pair of hands and a pretty good penmanship. Have you decided, are you ready? I'll be waiting; but when the time comes, I'll ask...


I'd made couple of detours 'round the block, keeping my fingers crossed to bump into you but my fingers ain't crossed enough for any to happen. Have you fell into a deep sleep for so many days. I met you while you woke up when I hadn't and I felt your lips on mine. I was ...

Maybe we shldn't talk but how wld we have known if nothing was said. I wldn't know. Faith has told me you're my goal but destiny thought otherwise. I'll give you everything anything, you just have to ask. And I'll kill who you hate. And it wouldn't matter what they say.


There's a guided tour to Rotterdam and I signed up for it. Nothing's planned, just follow blindly. I ain't too excited 'cos you wouldn't be there and there wldn't be much sun nor euros. Didn't know what to pack. Didn't know what to say. Only counting the days to get a glimpse of you or your skin slightly brushed against mine; it's enough. It's crazy.


My twin she kept telling me how impossible it will be but I told her it was you that keeps my mind active. I told her things just happen without any reason and my heart is always on fire for one or more. It wouldn't be for long but it happens. I brought her a Sawyer's Viewmaster with couple of reels on performing animals in the 50's; like myself, she was trilled. It's these lil' things in life that puts a smile on our faces and make our worlds stop for the slightest moment. I told her I was busy and had to go but I was lying to her as I always lied to myself. And we'll meet again, soon.


Tomorrow, better be good.

6/15/07 03:44 am

It's time to move again. I hate moving, having to pack all the mess I'd created over time. Everything's everywhere including my mind and my lil' heart. Both are like magnets of the opposite sides pushing one another away just to be closer to you. I ain't looking forward to summer at all 'cos I'm already missing you. "It's the proximity Juls," and so he said. He's so damn right, I feel him now. Right now, I just have to find all the silliest excuses just to be around the corner.

It was just for three seconds or less but my mind had already captured that moment and its filed in the most convenient place in there where I can look through it anytime and anywhere. Easy access to every memories of the trails you left behind; may I repeat, I will die just to be with you. And you dnt have to worry 'bout it, 'cos you'd already won me at first sight.

"December is the darkest and June is the light," and she sang. But this light isnt any comforting. It's four in the morning and I am still dwelling over the night before. I couldnt look you in the eyes because it will ruin the plan. I am a great pretender and you are definitely a great lover.

Princess of Reverie sent me a parcel filled with marshmallows and a photograph of her and her ex-lover on the Edifício Itália. They were in São Paulo two weeks ago trading memories for green. I wonder where in the world she is now.

I can hear my head spinning and Tricky telling me that 'Hell Is Around The Corner' and til then, I've got to live by myself. I shd sleep.

8/20/07 06:36 pm

A Perfect Sonnet - Bright Eyes

9/13/07 01:37 pm

22274km traveled + countless road rides.

1176hrs sleep + parties.

You + Isle of Reverie.

"Talk to me, dance with me here in the spotlight," Hot Hot Heat.

I missed you - too soon. The extension was perhaps not too good an idea.

The nudge - the slight touch. Too good too be true.

The ride back to Van City wasn't as bad as I thought. Almost 13hrs but I spent most of it walking you through lalaland - showed you around - told you things - stuffed you up. Besides, Wai traveled with me. I packed him in my lil' pocket - he went safe through the Customs. And I had brought a 'dangerous' object up the plane unintentionally which got confiscated. Damn. Wai'd been nice lately. He left me as we arrived at the airport. I'd to drag all the shite on the tube back to my cozy new place at M.block down South.

I lost my appetite on my way back here. You had taken up too much space. My mind in chaos all thanks to you.

I got shot while I got lost looking for the Gateway House. 'Bang' - I turned, and this lad armed with nothing more than arrogance had left a bullet in my head. I looked him in the eyes as he fled with his clowns. And I went further in the wrong direction. By the time I arrived, I was exhausted. I held a towel against the wound on my head - but it was my heart that I felt a pain.

Too far away, I thought.

9/14/07 04:12 pm

13.09.07 Thursday 10 to 8 Dusk.

The tree grew in the wind right before me, very quickly. The ringing in the ears wouldn't stop. The torn whisperings of burning ashes from the fag, all white and gold. The throbbing heart was heavy and uneasy. My mind in chaos only because of all the mislead signals given on the road in progress. The dusty air and the uneven pavement went a long way. His stare was intimidating as I passed him. The lil' itches on my legs in those unwashed jeans, weren't very pleasing. The glasses slipping down the greasy bridge. The explosively trembling cheap speakers playing the souls of broken hearted angels wasn't very justified. The heat from this machine is cramping the folded legs, but I haven't moved an inch except my fingers on the keys and watching the cursor blinks. Within a 7 meters square box - not exactly equivalent, I sat in this yellow light thinking about the day I took a ride in your car. I told him to shift a lil' to the right by the window and watch the Eye sparkles between the opposite blocks. The conversations and laughter of the Ghetto Boys below the flat were getting louder as night falls. I could feel the silence despite Interpol playing the Next Exit. And I have no idea why I should be bothered by his disparity. Let's just go to sleep for now.

"I'll love you 'til the day I die," Ray Davis.