__________________________________

6 days in. 5 minutes out. It has to start somewhere somehow. Took a walk in between after/before, during these days/nights. The phone refuses to ring. Behind doors under self pronounced house arrest. Broken on its own, waiting for practically nothing. All the people met, heard—from the outside, on the silver screen. Yes, and the world wide web. Too many stories, overwhelming and confusing. What's real is, nothing, nobody is speaking. The unreal, the made up was supposed to be convincing. What's morally right, what's not. The mind is trashed, practically a couch potato. It stopped working, stuck and expired for right about 16/17/18/19 days. First move and without counter, waiting and counting and waiting, no results. Mister Gray, the vegetarian family in Fox, the wild things and names forgotten. It's not meant to be like that. Is a constant monologue considered a process. Is there a process when there's no communication, no contact. People known from before, and all that refusal to acknowledge such a relationship that had started and perhaps ended. It has got to be a punishment, like a karma chameleon only unlike the summer of colors. It's not at all exciting. No. Hideous peach trousers, Dunhill lights and bad pasta. "Happiness is only real when shared," he realized as he went into the wild. Amazon is not the answer. The purchase overdue. There'd got to be an exchange, like a puppy wanting all your love and affection. Stop asking and quit dancing with yourself. Move on but how, not now. Maybe you did, maybe you don't. Your heart will not be a hand-me-down. It's not even going around nor a step taken. Not up to no good, wasting time, killing time, building castles on clouds for unintended liars. The creamer is not talking. In Wonderfalls, pink flamingos, wax lions and wound up penguins talk. Most likely the representation of a love sick ass myself. The neighbors unseen except the strange african Chris, perhaps the other south asian in the opposite door that both in suspicion but never greeted and all the banging of the door behind the thin walls. Slammed or unlocked, always either. Garbage from fly tippers, screaming teens and the overcharging local only good for oyster. Tea drank at the missed temperature in this carpeted England. Homeless Santa on Oxford street and the palace that relocated half a year ago. Filled with too much drama and fantasy created by others that this reality seem more like a joke. An unwritten and unexpected journey is supposed to be celebrated yet it is rather ironic knowing its limits, ironic without knowledge. The rats, very big rats, are messing up the front lawn; but didn't dare to take a peek through those dusty blinds. The sound of the broken glass bottles against the pavement, the over-revved motorcycles as they pass in the night and the unbearable squeaking london bus brakes. If you could talk to me. 3/2/1/0 days and it's supposed to be a brand new year. Numbers, digits, however it's named; days, months, the year—a measurement of time, a representation—process. History, memory, the proof of one's existence. Life, passing by every second. Every blink of the cursor. Distractions, indulgence, the desperate desire for one's attention, for one's affection. The repulsion of reality. The adrenaline addiction. The nicotine and caffeine for taking that one stubborn distraction off the mind, always too short for comfort. Doing things you don't actually enjoy doing. Inflicting uncalled for self misery, suffocating, drowning in one's sorrows. Emotional negativism, hopeless indulgences are not experiments nor part of the process of anything—beneficial. Dysfunctional. Split. This entire 'the grass is greener on the other side' is satanic. Constantly stepping into melancholy. Since the entire world hates you already, your sorrows will be least of anyone's concern. Thus without an associate, the process which kind of is a set or series of actions directed to some end or simply the action of going forward, will no longer be a process. There can't be a process when nothing is happening and all that conceptualization of an infatuation or yearning will not be part of the process unless something is done, physically and perhaps not mentally. Be happy, be happy, that's all they tell you, that's it. Happiness, obviously, can't be taught. What makes you happy? Happiness verses pleasure. Bentham found pain and pleasure to be the only intrinsic values in the world, deriving the rule of utility: the good is whatever brings the greatest happiness to the greatest number of people. The altar of scraps and pieces of useless memories, stolen thoughts, articles of meaningless conversations, probably altered, drawings from kids I'd and will never meet, pictures of strangers and their objects, books that belonged to someone else from before, the jumper from a car boot sale—so what? What have they become of? An exhibition for no one outside of its scope. The dripping tap gets me, the constant tat from the neighbor's shower irritates. The burning cigarette with ashes falling on the keypad, the outgrown hair and the rumbling tummy. The silence getting louder itches the ears, the uncirculated air in this room with a fold-up bed and a kitchen in the cabinet and this automated spell check on text pad. I'm not in paris nor an artist, neither a writer, just a stupid student trying to do—art. And it blinks and keeps blinking till the next thought gets translated into words. Old English, Middle English, Early Modern English, then Late Modern English. The history, the process of translation till today. "…paralyzed with wonder, and the boys with fear…" It has to reach an audience. An application. A cause. A use. Okay, it has to reach somebody. (In)sane rattling gets nowhere. I'm in love with Jaye Tyler. Lyrics in a song led to reminiscences; twenty years, maybe more, sitting on daddy's shoulders, almost crystal clear. Words led to situations past, scenarios led to unpromising flashbacks, pictures about today, people we spoke to yesterday. Like a child, we wish upon a falling star; wish you weren't so far. I'd closed my eyes but watched you slipped away. After awhile, couple of days, take the time, it can only get better. What would you talk about in a conversation with her. There was a friend, maybe 2, we could talk on the phone for hours for hours to sleep, now—we haven't, at all. There is this other friend, we couldn't talk on the phone, now—we have, not on a phone. The phone is jinx. I don't use it anymore. I only have pictures, some and very limited words. Sneak out of that door. What will my mama do, what will my daddy say if they knew about you. Are you on your way. I should forget. Take it easy. If everyone experiences a different process, why is their outcome similar. The trendsetters and the followers. The cycle. The rain in the sun, the foxes roam the rainbow over the horizon. Jump into the pool. The new dimension. It's the last day of the year. Human interactions, not too good with that. New year's resolution, just gotta have one—move on.

From London to Valence

La version et les nots anglais

Sunday, 6 December '09

Instead of selling flowers on the square and before the sky becomes grey—we must learn to love the rain. Took the train to Gatwick and off we go, to Lyon and as planned, the rendezvous in Ville de Valence. With us the bags we made and in us the unbeaten hearts. Don't be shy, lets cause a scene.

By Romanians' fault and the alert on the system; first stop—Lyon Airport Security. We waited. The story of SScott began. No cuffs, just a stamp and a delighted policeman. A short transfer to the centre of Lyon and an introduction to SScott's which was a pleasure. Got off the bus 'round the corner of Avenue Rockefeller to Gare de Lyon and found ourselves no baggage lockers. Off to Charpennes then to Hôtel de Ville, dropped off the bags and pâte feuilletée for lunch on the square. Fête des Lumières in Lyon on the first day we arrived and Fête des Lumières in Ville de Valence on the last day we had to leave, both—we missed.

Trompe L'Oeil on walls, b/w stripped pavements/columns, street lamps wrapped in colours, slightly-short pedestrian traffic lights and a backdrop of the mysterious mountain as we passed every street in parallel. The crowd multiplied subtly, bands of red indians making music and a supposedly organized crowd-control metro system with barricades and signs made the journey time consuming and definitely confusing. George Brecht's chairs, couple of the others labeled 'art'—I, wondered, the rustic bronze spiral slides in corners and caught in the act of thievery at the Xe Biennale de Lyon.

Lost the time and missed the train. An hour and a half late, we arrived in the unexpected Ville de Valence. SScott and myself were warmly welcomed to the cozy home of AudS and CamS, pass midnight.

Monday, 7 December '09

"Bonjour Valence!" Pain au chocolat and coffee for breakfast. And off we went to the ghetto in AudS not so little white car, driven indifferently. Bumped onto EddC on his cycle on the road and soon found ourselves on the compound of ERBA. An oversized white tentage in the middle of a mostly quiet residential area, like a make-do traveling circus, it sat—unknown to the neighbors. Countless different worlds behind the walls as you walk through doors on painted floors; their thoughts and all the unspoken wars. Space. An enviously perfect printing studio and film rolls are free.

MarG + MakS, black top red bottoms. Spread the word, given a brief and created partners-in-crime. ReyP and myself soon found us to be in the dream team as the days passed; according to SScott, we'd been avoiding each other. It made them laugh. I reckon it wasn't too bad. It's the process, it's not always only about work for/and work. It's a way of life—the people we meet, the people we converse with, the people we share a meal with, the people we make merry with, the people who welcomed us into their homes, the people we secretly fall in love with. Their stories, their sorrows, their joy and they might well be our brand new meilleure amie. The surprises we find right here in an unexpecting Ville de Valence. An exchange or a workshop; however it's labeled—c'est la vie.

Took a walk from the ghetto to the centre of town with ReyP and the quietness of the streets got me. It was peaceful except the soft running engines of vehicles on the road, as if almost abandoned, everywhere. The 70s right here a decade past the millennium, the surrounding mountains and the castle on it made it indescribably mesmerizing. Heard about the donkeys in the mountains only couple of days later.

Caught up with GFereday and (R)oman as they searched for their secret hideout. Grabbed some wine, cheese and saucisson from the super-markt and had a communal lunch at AudS + CamS. Perfect. Close to having a collective nap, we split, in search of our places.

The black house on the hill next to the cemetery. The short cut through the ever expanding graveyard. No creeps six feet under, only memories floating in the air. Their lives, their death. Never a familiar feeling. Pass the motorway, the showrooms, the flats and an empty playground. Found us on Le Parc Jean Perdrix and deux châteaux d’eau futuristes (by sculptor Philolaos Tloupas and architect André Gomis) in revolving sight. A static motion, the indefinite change in perception each gradual movement you make. Too perfect, too beautiful. The lake, the greens, the hungry pigeons, the swimming ducks, the conspicuous men and their dogs. The twin towers for the 'V' of 'Valence'. The tabby cat guarding piscine tournesol. A convertible swimming pool by Bernard Schoeller as part of project '1000 pools'; it's back to the future. It's strange and it's charming, unlike the boy next door. Tabby followed us for a bit. Then a coke and back in the tent. We still haven't found what we're looking for.

Communal dinner at GaiV + ReyP. More cheese and more wine. Stories exchanged and stunts up our sleeves. Subjective criticism swapped and tips given. Back to bed by 2 in the morning.

Tuesday, 8 December '09

Magenta team in the offset printing room. Unfinished before lunch hour. ReyP continued and I sneaked out on a little trip to Emmaüs with BasB, GaiV, SScott and PedP. The drive out of town was peaceful. The odd shape of a part of the mountain, the open field, the anxious hearts and the setting sun. Incidental and accidental searches, we each took more than a piece out. The picturesque scene as we drove pass the towns, a myriad of flickering lights in the distance incomparable of any other cities we'd been. The missed opportunities—that's it.

"Créer des oeuvres d'auteurs vivants" Not exactly stolen wine and snacks for the night at the theatre. Languages bartered, secrets uncovered. Movie screening passed and performance skipped—we drank, again. And soon after moved to Le Malvern across the street from Gare de Valence Ville. A drunk soldier, a lying waiter and more wine gulped as the pub was closing. Bonne nuit.

Wednesday, 9 December '09

A rather unproductive day, at least of what I remember. A short discussion with ReyP about our change of location from the châteaux d’eau to piscine tournesol. Spoke of absurdity and relevance, spoke of donkey basketball then cheese rolling. Reckon it was going to be 1000 Idées Absurdes Ville de Valence par ReyP et JlsO and somehow came to the conclusion of 1000Valence in the next day. Very Valence/ You and me and everyone we know in Valence/ I ♥ VAL/ Saving Valence/ Run Valence Run/ etc. We meant—an alternative guide to Valence by a thousand reasons. The hidden beauty of Valence.

MarG + MakS prepared lunch. Waited too long, we left for the grannies' shop. Opens only from 14:30 to 17:00 every Wednesdays and Fridays. Heaps of clothing categorized in cardboard boxes, neatly hung jackets and dresses, shoes on shelves, stacks of books and tons of others stashed away. A hidden room behind the door filled with bottoms arranged by sizes. Found an accordion for CamS musical collection. We waited impatiently as SScott made her purchases, the lovely old ladies calculated unhurriedly; we needed lunch which we'd already missed. "Allez!"

By the time we got back, ReyP had to go and for the millionth time, we avoided each other again. Then it's back to AudS + CamS for yet another communal dinner and drinks. A raclette and potato feast, we savored. We spoke. They sang.

In the late of the night, some on bikes and others strolled. Climbed over the spiked gate and found us in an abandoned pool discovered by CamS + PedP. Sat on the edge of the diving board over dark waters, explored the compound, cranked open locked doors with a metal rod and an iPhone torch, moved the beach chairs, nicked the hangers, made a wee bit of commotion and gathered it was time to retreat. Next stop was the urban castle. Up the spiral stairway like in a David Lynch film; the fortress was packed. We shunned. Don't forget to breathe.

Thursday, 10 December '09

Half ten in the morning, ReyP and myself went on a walkabout. Fingers crossed in search of that 1000 valence/reasons on the streets of Ville de Valence. Could have and not been relevant, incidental spots and situational places recorded on camera. Accidental findings and forceful contextualizations. Lost and found, perhaps not. Off track, I thought so. Took a ride back to ERBA with ReyP and MakS. GaiV's and MatM's sancocho for lunch—divine! without doubt.

A ladder way oversized for the car, pails of papier-mâché, bags of grass and seeds, color pigments packed in plastic cups. With the back door of the car unclosed, (R)0man under the ladder in the back seat, the top sticking out and its end on my back. We drove, without much vigilance to the park where the statue stood that SScott + AudS had chosen to fix. The headlights of the car from a distance, the girls climbed up the statue and sculpted the head of the once headless baby, in the dark. It was convincing ultimately.

Mission accomplished. We head back for more raclette and x'mas ale for dinner. Shuffle party down the street at LioB's. Dipsy dancing through the night with stolen wine and unintentionally ended up in the wrong apartment, only to find each other awkwardly on the wrong side of the door 7 in the morning. It was a good laugh.

Friday, 11 December '09

To the motorway out of town further out south. Les valseuses remade, 3.5 decades later. ReyP as Pierrot, BasB as Jean-Claude and GaiV for Miou-Miou's role. Superb sun for the film despite the unbearable wind. They hitchhiked. Vehicles honked. Concerned cops pulled over for reassurance. A kind soul stopped by only to realize that it was not for real. A bottle of coke fell off, it was hilarious. Cut.

Back to the tent. MarG' + MakS', mostly in french, presentation was heavy for a non-french listener. I drifted, off and away.

Missed piscine tournesol and reassembled in all directions. Over the rainbow path, by books categorized. Broken glass bottles over the walls onto the roof. The quest for the hidden waterfall began. Down the stairway between 2 indistinct blocks after Shotokai Karatedo, you hear the heavy splashes echoing from the back. You listen as they speak.

Pass the park and through the woods, the expedition continued. A baby reborn and seeds for the birds in his mother's pocket. Subtly reunited, come spring shall they be distinguished. We observed as they discussed. Soon after, through the reserved neighborhood, cross the highway as it got further into dusk, we boarded the half sunk ship and watched the flag flew. The illuminated trail towards the sleepy mountains. The silhouettes against the calm waters. Somewhat surreal. Followed the pathway and off the beaten track then back onto trail. We braved the harsh wind and continued the peregrinate on the breakwater in search for the motorway of the sun. The brick tower as a viewing platform in both the direction of the river across and of the sky above—breathtaking. Valence revealed in various approaches and thats not it. Thereafter, a pressing shop left unopened for years, the articles remained untouched and forgotten. We celebrated The Last Lap/Call that we all missed, with hot chocolate and Kronenberg in a local bar.

Beer for dinner, pizza for supper and rum for pleasure. Classic!

Saturday, 12 December '09

A mellow last day in Valence after a heavy week of exploration and merriment. The temperature fell like our spirit did. Exceptional gloominess amongst us; can't really explain such affinity except that the beauty of life is the process of communication and through it the relationship between one and other. We go on separate ways and we shall meet again...

###

She did Manystuff

Every morning Charlotte checks Manystuff. Every morning Charlotte does Manystuff.

Round about 1,335 days, 2,515 entries and still going just as we speak. I couldn't understand the endurance, except feeling the indescribable affection she has for Graphic Design and that love perhaps couldn't be blind in such a context. Her role as a curator/editor/blogger brings together a growing number of graphic trendsetters on the world wide web from all across the countries, to be discovered by others and definitely a superlative platform for exchanges between one another. Once again, love had made the world go round.

The wonderful process about life is that it brings you surprises everyday; the people you meet, the places you go, the conversations you have and even the jokes you make…

Dodged.

There are many times I’d done things which I never understood.

Even as a child, I’d always seek refuge at the person closest to me, then, my mother. I most likely had lied to convince her to be on my side. Once bitten but never shy. I continued to be a tyrant in the neighbourhood.

My mother always protects me, too much sometimes, even till today, she never lets go. My mother may have been the only person I lied to mostly. I cheated when she gave me spelling practices, I drew when I should have been studying and told her otherwise, I pretended that I had extra classes in school but in fact I was out playing with my pals, I told her I quitted smoking, I told her I ate well, I told her many things that aren’t true. I’d lied to the only person who never stopped loving me.

I lied, I dodged and now, I am speechless...

From Valence to London

THURSDAY - 26 NOVEMBER '09

JOHN SOANE MUSEUM

Humbly sat in the heart of town, with a facade that resembles just like the houses next to it. A different world lies behind the door, brings one from a concrete jungle into the ruins of Rome, open to the sky. What struck me most were not just the unrealized architecture designs of Soane but a fascinating collection of Hogarth paintings and his library of books that ranges from The Poems of Robert Herrick to Memoirs of An Author to Letters From Italy. An 'enchanted isle and its inhabitants' lived behind those walls for decades to come…

GROUP VISITS ( MUSEUM OF CHILDHOOD/ METAL SHOP ON HACKNEY ROAD )

Took a ride to London's East End, and found us standing on 212 years old Hackney Road. Heard about the blot's dad who roamed these streets with the Kray twins (the foremost perpetrators of organized crime during the 50s and 60s). Visited the V&A Museum of Childhood that contains the countless memories held in the huge collection of objects/toys that brought us through the years of imagination and creations. Bummed into a woman who got lost and another handcuffed on Bethnal Green Road, within minutes. Exchanged some quid for forgotten memories and neglected pieces at Spitalfields Market.

TATE MODERN

Dressed in black for the illuminating black box of Miroslaw Balka for The Unilever Series at Tate Modern. The light at the turn on the end saw the silhouettes of travelers from across the countries. The shadows of our feared souls overcame. The intimation felt by the guards, the rules unbent after a labeled-performance created a scene to be ended. We moved to Cargo.

FRIDAY - 27 NOVEMBER '09

WALTER'S WAY ON HONOR OAK PARK

On the rail to Southeast London, Lewisham. A frozen morning despite the sun in the clear blue sky. We gathered around listening as Alex Rich and Jürg Lehni spoke of their passion and briefly of their heartache for a particular project. Walter Segal's designs for the houses seem just like the perfect dwelling. They were honest, simply beautiful and the ability for modification was capturing. If only we could live by Walter's Way.

GAMPER'S WORKSHOP

What a better way to live by Walter's way than to start off building our kitchen for food and a cinema for entertainment. Sawing, drilling, improvising, scraping—(simply) making. Creativity bounced across the cold walls; pickles and cheese on bread filled our stomach. Imagination warmed our hearts.

VEKTORKAT AT THE RCA ARTBAR

Getting to know everyone through music, cigarettes and alcohol. We made merry and danced the night away…

SATURDAY - 28 NOVEMBER '09

BILLINGSGATE FISHMARKET

Hung over or not—fresh fish, fresh minds, fresh start for a wet weekend.

CINEMA BANQUET

The kitchen crew prepared lunch and the builders completed the furniture. Tables set, candles lit, 2 films (Fischli & Weiss's Der Lauf deer Dinge & Mike Leigh's Nuts In May) played concurrently, miso mackerel and belham soup served. Small talks and sweet affections exchanged. The atmosphere and experience was—priceless.

D.I.Y. PINGPONG TOURNAMENT

Pool blue table with striking pink linings. Did-it-ourselves pingpong rackets: lighten bolt, scoop, scrape sheets, pyramid, double crackers, peddling stick, palm, 2-meters rod, 'P' handle, glove board, chopping board, etc. you name it. First prize went to Oman with his thunderous bolt. If only we could play pingpong all day, all night!

SUNDAY - 29 NOVEMBER '09

BATTERSEA CAR BOOT SALE

The crazy weather and unbeatable rain had made the day extremely challenging but entertainingly fun. Shopping, selling, touting, experimenting and singing in the rain! 20p, 50p, a quid and perhaps, free. Like any other days of the week, this day is irreplaceable and definitely unforgettable!

LEILA'S SHOP AT ARNOLD CIRCUS

A cup of tea to warm us from the harsh London weather and an introduction to Arnold Circus by an Ian Brown's music video, Keep What Ya Got. Bertrand Blier's Les Valseuses played and we were teleported to Valance in the 70s where two whimsical, aimless thugs harass and assault women, steal, murder, and alternately charm, fight, or sprint their way out of trouble. They take whatever the bourgeois characters value: whether it's cars, peace of mind, or daughters. What a way of life! Apparently only one third of the entire conversations were translated on english subtitles but I had loved it already. The humor and reckless adventures—time travelled. Sourdough bread, cheese and red wine accompanied this evening.

BIRDCAGE

More drinks to mark the end of the week 'round the corner of Leila's Shop. Pool techniques exchanged with a local lad and amongst the boys. Chatting, chirping through Monday morning...

Bobby

N+0 >>>> N+100

/original drawing found...

/The process begun and the 100 mutated stories

are distributed to different places slipped

in between books—perhaps, you'd found one...

Turle 7 Nov

Tue Oct 27 22:37

Wandering around with you.

Wed Oct 21 22:16

Bus no.345 towards Peckham/4ish/21.10.09

School Boy A (by the window)

9/10? Maybe more. English. Fair. Multiple red spots on face. Small eyes. Unbuttoned maroon blazer with tie. Sprite soda bottle in inner pocket of blazer. Lock Lock container with crisps. Crumbs on black pants. Short hair. Backpack and nylon drawstring bag. Getting off a stop after Queenstown Road and walking back.

School Boy B (moved from seat on the right to be next to boy A)

8/9? Younger than boy A. Small. Tanned. Short curly black hair. Big eyes. Long lashes. Thin lips, lil teeth. Baby face. Slightly oversized maroon blazer, buttoned over grey woolen vest with tie. Black gloves. High cut black shoes with probably only 2 holes laced. Backpack thrown on floor. Getting off on Queenstown Road, I think.

Thu Oct 15 22:52

...feel the pavement right under your feet...what is love without lost.

N+7: The grandad of the volley as described. The incomprehensible sounds to stay. Nightlight after nightlight, The Southerners played. What's legation to filament that's right. Play it all over this May; the explosives, the quicksands, the plane.You're lying in the zookeeper's dike, in the midriff not without a hi-fi. Dim the light-years, you're my godson dancing greyish slacker. I never thrill it will be omen taking all her pierrots from the frenzy; singing in dispensation, the cowards up her faction. The musings for a shout! Do not think I missed the cruet. All the dressmakers we cuckoo out loud. All the trash legation no coach-and-fours but clues. Hylas trapped in destruction and suspense in all thistles terrible. Soviet London forever 'til he gets ripped apart for a dragonfly yes-men to start. The inn blotted the rumble, she dreamt only of the stunner. Not team in a publishing nor craft in the tumble burnt Babylon's lump. The caryatid had your deaf-aid; not for many deadbeats, she wore a cruise when you're gone. Let me tell you, he wouldn't be here long. Vanished! She was gone along with those eye-openers that sang no sorbets. All the principal foliage in cruel wishbone's wayside, Zoe couldn't wait couldn't stay. But you never told me I was late. You never wanted the last screening of blasts that ran in sunbather's walk-up. You never stayed. Found something but not for tonight. The eighties without passions. The sloppy rides in gild flippers; they are memories—sliced. Zoe in oversized shootings; red and sly. Bobby—gray and given away. All the thistles I couldn't say. All the timpanist we gambled away. No lug in signature. Noise beside.This timpanist, Zoe, this timpanist! No more childhood cooked in midpoints nor scrambled egomaniacs like clearway.

Mon Oct 12 20:40

"What's up with my heart when it skips a beat," crawl under the quilt, listen to what they'd been told. We're not entirely ready for the floor. Gus was on an art strike. Will, cutting up Brion dreaming up a world for you and me. Stop worrying 'bout the rent, be good darling. "Who will see my world?" He was shot down on a foreign land. Someone's smoking up through the doors. We're not obsessed—we're in love, in a dustytale. Strangers on a yacht to Goodlands, Mauritius. You know I'm on your side. "Words are all I have," but the message's not getting through. It will change your mind, if I could tell you so. Maybe in magazines, maybe in between...

Sun Oct 11 - Noon

"I like to hold it in my arms and keep it company", she woke up from a dream like the sun rises everyday. She sang of apple trees and honey bees, "shake along with me."

25 days well too long. The snuggles, the cigarettes, the phone calls and the distance way off track. A tattoo that should have been inked into the skin. There, probably wouldn't have gone too far, we thought. All the lashes unleashed for a single question without any solid reasonings. I couldn't have make it more entertaining. We'll see.

Mik & Kat with their mesmerizing accent, painted the room a changing season. Eleven quid left, I held back the horses. The Chapman Brothers laid still with Barney and the Koenig in the castle ruins.

"Hey Stella, whatever will be will be," no doubt 'bout it.

_______________________________________________________________

Then, it will be read the other way around.

Un-read.

Re-read.

Catherine the waitress running back and forth

the bar we'd never visited.

Drawings from Alex uncovered across the Rubicon.

The so called perfect dwelling—yet to be discovered.

Chapters from the book distorted.

November will soon be gone.

__________________________________

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4/16/06 02:34 am - 10/5/09 04:24 pm

3/22/06 08:43 pm

Things always happen in my head. imaginations and all , sometimes for moments, i cant even tell if it did happened.When you dnt talk to anyone at all, you start talking to youself and you start wondering and dreaming and all. You get alife when you are sleeping at night for you get to dream about the things that wldnt happen at all. Welcome to my castle in the air. all day i do nothing , but dream. and all so preoccupied in my insanity. Time simply passes me by, he gave up on me pretty much for i had given up on him, maybe. maybe not. Tommorrow's sorrows seem to live everyday.

4/4/06 02:05 pm

I will slip into her dreams, draw on her shoes and steal all of her sorrows.

5/9/06 11:05 pm

There is a kind of emptiness in me tonight. Maybe the day drained me , so I am that useless , easily exhausted . I am barely there yet . Not even at the start point perhaps. Somebody sang that one has to live before one dies . I kept thinking what I should do with mine . I am too much a dreamer and nobody pays for a dreamer. Even when its free, they probably have 2nd thoughts. Nobody seems to trust me. Maybe its just me, I wasnt convincing enough for sure. Maybe I wouldnt like me when I meet me. I got to be crazy to like me. There just isnt enough crazy people out there huh. And I used to think that as time goes by, my circle of friends get bigger, so I thought. Now I know its otherwise, I am too much an anti social idiot. I am arrogant and I am still in my castle in the air. But, I am hungry and confused. Always angry, always lost. A part of me wants this what not, the other side of me contradicts. Looking back at what I had done, I thought what the hell am I doing. Where do I really go from here. I think alot. Alot of shit. I worry. I imagine. And I dream, on and on. About the most unexpected things and the events that will never ever happen. I think so much, I get a headache. I dream so much, I never want to get out of bed. I could just shut my eyes and be in the world that I will never be. I could fly. All these aggravate the emptiness but at least these moments are utopian. Always am high on fantasies. The whole idea of imagination. Bad thoughts. Bad wishes. Haha. I can just go on walking and walking, and I refuse to stop. I may be walking in circles. Waiting.

Can I really play a game without rules, without order. It doesnt always rain on me, at least not entirely. Still .. . I mean why are we always so concerned of what any goddamnmotherfucker has to say, to do or anything. Why is this fucking dough so essential. Fuck dough-nuts. Screw advertising. Screw 5SGD 1cup of diluted mocha caffe. Screw that crush in my head that's driving me crazy. Its so true, to cure an addiction/obssession, all you need to do is find a new distraction.

5/11/06 09:41 pm

The fishes in the tank died one after another, day after day, since the day I took pictures of 'em.
I must have stolen their souls.


Til the day we meet again, you might have fallen for another.
It may just happen for real, for once, for good.

5/14/06 04:05 pm

In the end, we're all nothing but dusts on barren lands. Carried away by the wind to places we've never been. Forgotten and mistaken.
Blame yourself, for the wasted years; because we'al dumb and jaded. We ignored the rainy days and we never talk 'bout it. Have you cried over this lonliness. Have you thought of the girl who lived across your apartment. Have you stolen her soul in exchange for a box of matches to keep you warm. Is it true what they said about you and all the empty promises you've given to 'em.
I remembered the day you caught my eyes, you must have watched me drown in your presence. I swam ashore only to realise that you were on the other isle in the ocean. Was it all a dream ? Wasnt it all for free.

5/17/06 12:34 am

Strangely, the faster you run, the longer the distance it gets in between. The further there is that we can not see.
How wil you know you have found what you were looking for when what's lost can never be found again or whatever wasnt lost is nothing to be found.
Where were you today? What were the routes that you've taken? Who have you met? Who have you spoken of?
You are an unsolved riddle, mysterious and intriguing.

5/19/06 12:23 am

Hel'o

Wel, next please.
It wil al be gone, the mystery and the misery.
And nothing else does matter.

Lets get high on thinner and turpentine.
Drown your sorrows and kil yourself tonight.

Actions do speak louder than words.

Gd'bye

5/20/06 03:35 am

I'll see you again on 31|11|10. I'll count the numbers that never ends. I'll meet you at the lucid crossroads. I'll take that extra route just for a glimpse of you. By the way, that smile eons ago is still hanging around in the back of head. I say, where have you been.

5/22/06 02:53 pm

Loitering flashes living at the back alleys of 23rd street.

5/23/06 01:29 am

And I stood in front of the window display each time I pass the 6th store on 23rd street. I stood there for hours that felt like minutes. I stare right thru the countless pieces of articles written of this character that I only met at the crossroads of imagination. No matter how long I stood there, I just couldnt put the bits and pieces together. I couldnt understand your existence without being real. There was no truth nor possibilities. Some days, I saw me in that store while I was just passing by; some days, as I stood there, I saw you in the reflection - you were just next to me; some days, I just ran away from all. Despite the denials, I just couldnt escape this ladyrinth. There wasnt any other routes to take.

5/24/06 08:05 pm

Hahahaha, I saw you yesterday. I do suppose its you. Again. Running pass the aisle, up and down and up again. What the hell were you trying to do. But, you missed me. I was sitting right by the corner where all I could see was miles of fading light, from blue to blue to blue to orange to red to orange to blue to black, not exactly. And when it turns from black to black to blue to blue to yellow again you fell from the fire escape?, with a flying rocket. Its ok, you'll be back...I see you on the 13th storey,along the corridor facing the ferris wheel. Yes, that building. And he's not suppose to know.

5/27/06 12:17 am

I live in a container on one of the 13th level amongst this massive residential jungle with an insipid view of infinite lightboxes. In them, countless strange beings lived the days and left the nights. And if I do stretch out a lil, I get a view of the highway and a lil green and blue with flashes of lightnings at times in the sky. I wld stare out at these mini light trails a mile away for hours til I see it coming. And when everyone around me is asleep, I wld climb out of the window as quietly as I can with rose flavored rollies in my pocket and follow the trail that came in my direction. Its a travelator suspended in the midst of the night, you can travel for free if you bring a crush with you ( definitely with love and you may get away with lust sometimes ). It travels at the speed of your imagination and infatuation. The quicker you decide where you are heading to, you'll be there in an instant otherwise you may just enjoy the night on it as it strolls through emptiness. Wel, there're countless stars that you could rip just to be with her but, nevermind. Dnt worry, it never rains on you when you're on it (No, its not sheltered), it just doesnt. Last night, I just sat on it not knowing where I shd go to. It brought me to you. Then again, you couldnt see me cos I was behind you. And I went after you, but you were so near yet so far. By the time I could reach out to you, I saw you holding her hands. I mean, what the fuck, she just *blink* and appear. The next thing I know, I was walking through the back alleys of street 23 again. This time, I saw 'skunk in the funk' drooling over adrien brody. And there was that snobbish ugly dark hair donkey showing off his fickle lil monkey that he stole from the ghetto. And there was a ladybird that none had figured his constant contradictions except the fact that he probably was a wannabe-reincarnation of anti-conformist marcel duchamp went east. I love him though. Of cos, I met my version of the three weird sisters - Jayla, Peggy and Gigi; whom are the apple of the eyes of all fairies; in the middle of an art orgy. The dangerboys were building that wall on those concrete slabs so that humpty may dumbtily fall off and break into a zillion pieces and stain the world with his smelly white.I was hoping to pass that store so I could be with you but the more I tried I got lost. Amidst the search, I saw a parade of puny naked mermen, not a pleasant sight of them trying so hard to slide on those scaly tails of theirs and it smelt totally fishy. There were like thousands of them. What the hell were they doing in town by the way. I strolled on. And out of no where, you appeared. Hey, I must have made myself see you. And we sat down like forever with a glass of peach vodka each that never finishes and we did not say anything to each other. All I did was look you in your eyes and I saw all that you were thinking of, everything but myself. I saw sadness in them on barren lands on a stage that the curtains could never be drawn. There are hundreds and thousands of short stories with tragic endings, what are mine compared to those of yours or theirs. I am just a pathetic lil roach who lived pass decades and centuries and b.c keeping my fingers crossed counting on luck not to be squashed to death by an idiot. You said you were gonna sleep but why wld anyone sleep in their dreams. I could only let you go. Then, I was running away like a thief though I only attempted to steal your heart from her, I didnt know how to make that move. Yet there was this arsehole running after me with a parang on one hand and his bloody guts on the other. I ran. Looking for the travelator that will bring me home to where my mother is waitng for me with tears in her eyes and a pain in her heart that will never ease for I am a wild lil kid always running away from her. I never looked her in the eyes for I am guilty of a betrayal. I ran, maybe I didnt, but I found my way home and I hid under my blanket pretending to be asleep...
Goodday.Goodnight.

5/28/06 03:09 am

The lift up to the 13th floor took longer then it usually does. I felt your breath on my left cheek. You were probably an inch away from me. Each breath made my heart skip a beat faster than before. I saw you at the corner of my eye, I wished it was forever.I wished that it was for real.

5/28/06 02:59 pm

5/29/06 01:25 am

DangerBoys' Hangout

5/29/06 01:31 am

I sat on the edge of that hole, waiting. I couldnt find the trails tonight. It seemed to be cut off. I hope it was temporary or it didnt know I was waiting up all night at your door. I came up to you when I saw you standing there, but you looked through me like I was invisible. Couldnt you tel that it was just you i want to sleep with. Couldnt you tel you were what i was hanging around the backalley for. The sunlight did make me paranoid, but darkness brought me no where either. I was just loitering on the corridors with doors that were shut on me, i went on lookng for the slightest gap to peep through in search of the route you will be taking. And I sat down on the couch in front of the television, with you beside me, with words that I couldnt whisper in your ears. Stoning, waiting in vain. Too bad you're beautiful, too bad I aint who you're dreaming of...

5/30/06 04:58 pm

The 2nd room at the end of the corridor on the 13th floor lives a man with dreadlocks that were longer then Goldilock's. He has got the view of the end of the world where light goes out on him each night arrives. He's never been out of the room, he hardly leaves the sight of his computer screen, he doesnt eat nor drink, he's not a ghost either (maybe he is, htf will i know). He's just waiting by the ocean for her return. His memories were stalled from the day he last remembered living. All these years, he doesnt stink despite not showering (his water and electric were cut off cos he couldnt pay no bils; btw his computer runs on solar) but instead an alluring scent lingered around him. And each time you pass by his door, you will stop just to imagine the other world behind it. An enchanted forest with all the strange species of life that may exist in there. The endless trails that may lead you to places never imagined in that yoma, the dreams that will come true in that confined space. Sounds of silence that are rhythmic and it goes on and on in your head and you will start moving to the beats (ass-wriggling). Each day, you have to pass that door for that dosage of adrenalin. Its as addictive as pot is. Many people wanted to know what was going on in that unit, so they sailed out to the ocean hoping to get an answer with the view out there. Those who came back alive, came back blind. And the others didnt return, they simply drown themselves leaving the ocean with many sail boats, dinghies, yacht or whatsoever empty, floating around. If you want to leave this island, swim to any of them, but remember not to look back into his unit and off you go to the end of the world. Do not even try abseiling from the roof cos its a #489-levels block. Maybe if you're dying to know what is in there, you may just go ahead with this suicide. Various rumors filled the entire block, then to street 23 and soon the whole of Van City like wild fire. The ferris wheel stopped operating, the bustling back allies became ghost towns and you never walk on the streets anymore, you run. Those who returned from the ocean were blinded by love, blinded because they wanted what they've seen to be the last visual in their head, they turned blind because they realised nothing else is more important than what that can be felt from the heart. Some cried till they got blind while others dug out their eyeballs and some sewn their eyelids together with bostik gum. Those who drown themselves realised that nothing else is worth living for, some wanted a new life while others believed it was something worth dying for- knowing the truth. We could tell that those who came back were hiding some truth, they werent generous enough to share because of the sacrifice they made in exchange. There was denial in their tone of voices, there was love yet there was fear. What was the unspeakable truth that couldnt make a noise. Sadness rises in the air of Van City, and trenches were dug in people's hearts. Everyone was filled with curiosity and a sense of fear that was spreading like a plague. Was truth such an importance. Each day, I will make a wrong turn from the lift lobby just to make a detour pass his unit for my daily jab. One fine night, the sound of shattering glass pierced through the dreams of everyone in Van City (for a moment, I wondered why people pierce their ears, anyway). It was 4am in the darkest of the night, the entire city was awaken. The trees and plants have outgrown the space in his home, shattering the glass panel that cuts him from the outside world. We saw birds that flew out had colors and patterns on their feathers that we've never seen before. The unicorns that flew out were for real and so did dumbo the elephant. And there were just too many strange exotic animals that we couldnt name cos we never knew, flew pass us to the end of the world and vanished, And he came climbing down the broken panel with his dreadlocks as his climbing rope (he must have locked himself in and that was the only way out) and when he reached the ground, he cut off his hair and ran towards the ocean. You will just float in the air, high when he passes you with that scent in him. For that moment, you thought he was god. And as he disappeared into the ocean, we all knew he realised that he should be out looking for her. And fear dies off in the city as he left. The people of Van City are full of hope once again . . .What took him so long anyway; perhaps he was waiting for his hair to grow till the length of 13 floors or perhaps he received a reply on his computer, perhaps perhaps perhaps.

6/2/06 01:50 am

On my way home, I was caught in the fight between Mobster Blurry Eyes and Mobster Fucked up Brain, maybe both of 'em were trying to trick me. And came Mobster Totally Confused because Mobster Infatuation has been stalking me the day I moved to Van City. When I was younger, I used to imagine if I had to lose a sense of the 5 senses, I will immediately give up my sight 'cos I was so naive, thinking that feelings are far more important than seeing(not that it is not true, I just cant give it up so easily now). And as I grew older, I got weaker. I have became such a wimp. Yes, I am afraid of darkness; I am afraid I wouldnt see that cheeky smile on your face once more; I am afraid I may not feast my eyes of the beauty in this world; I am afraid that I can not peep at you from outside the store. Such a wuss and a shallow chelo I may be. However, each time Mobster Blurry Eyes stick his gun on my head and steal my clarity, I shut my eyes and prayed (to my instant fallback) so hard, begging him not to steal it away from me please. Then Mobster Fucked up Brain will force his way through bringing Mobster Totally Confused with him, and my clarity comes back to me. So on and off, they had me in this long con and still is. So is it Mobster Fucked up Brain or Mobster Blurry Eyes who's fooling me? Blur, clear, clear, blur, very blur, still blur. I am already so caught up with these annoying mobsters and Mobster Infatuation hasnt made my life any better. I brought you Supper Hearty Hearts from The Carnival but waited in vain. . . great, now Mobster Retarded is on his way. By the way, Mobster Blurry Eyes and Mobster Fucked up Brain, you both can go eat some Laika's poo. May my Instant Fallback damn you'al. :)

6/5/06 02:05 am

I remember vaguely 3 differently dreams I had last night, maybe more maybe not. Mobster Infatuation brought his friend along to me again - been 3 nights consecutively (I am looking forward still). And one other funny scenario that I ended up frightening myself, I'm not too sure what I was hiding from, guess some 'Bloodthirsty Shark' I read about a few days back, banging on the glass panel which was supposed to be on TV but I ended up there myself, you know, these dreams you just go everywhere anywhere. I dreamt I fell asleep while dodging it, then I woke up dreaming, or I dreamt that I woke up or I already was awake, I'm still unsure. I havent already gotten a great correction with my bloody glasses on, what's worst without any at all. I saw something hiding away from me onto the top of your wardrobe, and the more I squint, all i saw was a lil puny red/white thing hiding away from me. I am too short to see what's up on that wardrobe. Then, in the day, as I was stoning in front of the computer waiting for you, I look up just to stretch my neck and i thought I saw that lil puny red/white thing that I hung on mr. Spongebob's nose. The wardrobe is behind me as I uses the computer; I wonder how that thing ran across next to me without me noticing. . . My eyes' been failing me, and so is my brain and my heart, they just dnt coordinate well at all. Wldnt you stop running away from me?

6/6/06 12:19 am

Current Music: Like You Crazy - Mates of State

6/7/06 04:33 pm

Van City lies on an isle that grew from a seed that fell from the sky. None of the clouds confessed that it was theirs. I loved Van City the day I moved in, there's something about this place that words cannot describe. Drop by when you are free. The carnival's on 25|08|06.
As the great carnival was around the corner, Wai decided he should be part of the swing and came bumming in at my place. It was a pleasant surprise but I had to steal some hedgerows from my neighbor's (whom has yet to return from the ocean since the night he broke out of his apartment) so as to make him feel at home. Wai's a cream-spot ladybird; he's not a lady, neither is he a bird but a super lil duper beetle. He's got the rarest spots on him that made him so beautiful and special. Wai's weird, more than the 3 weird sisters, he comes and goes as he please. You only find him at special occasions. Although he's lil, he's not difficult to spot for he always stands out from the crowd, probably cos he's already in my head. Wai is a hitman. Despite his quirkiness, he still is the apple(pea) in my eyes. He killed me when he met me but later brought me back to life again, yes he can be such a pain in your arse. Wai's really nuts, he's barely half a centimeter tall yet he brought all his belongings in a luggage that was the size of the DHL's 25kg Jumbo saver box! He came that afternoon, with that box 'flying' in the air on the 13th level outside my window. I knew it was him then. You can never hide anything from Wai, cos he can simply get into your head and your heart and read you all.And when you feel a certain itch in your throat or chest or ears or behind your eyes, you know he's there looking through all your highly-confidential files in that messed up storage room. He de-frags 'em if you bring him his favourite aphids and psyllids. I love Wai cos with him around, I didnt have to wait for the travelator in the night. He can just give me a lift to anywhere I want to. Any place but to you. And we must always be back home before the sun rises otherwise the pranks that we played on others will all come back to us. And with Wai around my place, he shall keep an eye on that red/white creature that is roaming around me secretly. Me and Wai are going to the People's Park now, talk to you later . . .